Wednesday, 17 February 2010

the greatest work of art of the 90s

Image of four blokes in a pub
where they’re not even talking about football anymore,
no, chance would be a fine thing,
no, they’re all texting other people...
you’ve seen it, i’ve seen it,
and the first time i saw it there were three of us
so we all went outside and sat on a wall
texting people we knew to tell them about it
because it would be

which reminds me of the single best British work of art of the 90s
which was by John Major
Tory Prime Minister from 90-97
cos in the darkest days of his hopelesslness
and let’s face it
he had a lot of dark days
but in the very darkest doggest days of his hapless incompetence
of a different scandal every week in time for the Sunday papers
[wasn’t it good? ... yes it was
wasn’t it great?... in fact it was bloody marvellous]
he decided to get proactive
to do something
to break out of the Westminster goldfish bowl
and reveal himself as a man of action
to be a proper prime minister and deal with something
resolve something
of everyday concern to the British people
and he found that one thing which truly wound up the British people
were motorway traffic jams
they spent far far too much of their lives in pointless traffic jams
and the traffic jams which really wound them up
were the ones where no work was going on
where there was no working
or even no sign of any work
no equipment no nothing
and John Major thought, i can sort this out
and maybe people will start liking me again
so he instituted the Cones Hotline
the idea being that
if you saw a traffic jam caused by nothing
you could report it on the Cones Hotline and
something would be done
and there would be less exasperating traffic jams
and people would like him more
So they put up signs advertising the cones hotline
And there was press for it
But of course
In the event
What happened was that
If you rang the Cones Hotline
You got put in a phone queue
Isn’t that brilliant?
Isn’t that art?
You’re in one queue and
because of John Major
if you want to complain about it you
get put in a virtual queue as well?
just to doubly reinforce how bad the first one is?
isn’t that brilliant?
isn’t that conceptual
that folks…is art
that folks … is beyond the likes of you and me

so here’s the poem i used to do about John Major
if you heard me do it, and you were familiar with a certain great act called Christopher Twigg, then you might notice a resemblance in style
its called

John Major’s greatest quote
Greater even than his message of condolence to the
French people upon the death of President Mitterand
“Francois Mitterand had a great effect on public affairs, particularly in France”
John Major
The most over promoted yesman in history
A fabulousness of mediocrity
Once said
“On most vegetables I have an opinion but on peas I am positively neutral”…
I ask you
Could you think of that?
Like hell you could
What decades of training to create a mind capable of such words?
Such mindblowing dullness?
Such total command of the bland and the anodyne?
Such a stringent wringing out of all life from life?
On most vegetables I have an opinion but on peas I am positively neutral
John Major
A nice man
A man so honest he couldn’t see the crooks around him
Spent seven years, yes seven years, as a frightened rabbit stood frozen in front of the headlights
He should have been the manager of a high st bank
He’d’ve been good at it and everyone would have respected him
But no
He was running the country
The British people are not sadists … Or masochists
They did not enjoy the sight of a basically nice bloke having such an appalling time
Surrounded by backstabbing bastards hamstringing all action and sticking knives in…
For seven years
Aah, Mediocrites,
that really dull character from Shakespeare that everyone forgets
But I do not think of that
I raise my eyes to more comic concerns… Peas
When I see some
I think of john major and I laugh
When I buy them when I cook them
when I wipe them away afterwards when I see them I
Garden peas frozen peas mange tout marrowfat peas bird’s eyes peas cannonball peas
Fresh peas, round and many
Noble shiny emerald spheres of cheer
Proud, yet modest
Glad to be green
Bursting with nutritious vitamins
Happy to be alone but happier in company
How the light dances upon you when you are wet
It is a kind and friendly sheen of green that you do have
If you were people you would be wise people
You do not curse and brawl
Let us not think of dried peas
Peas peas peas peas peas peas peas peas beautiful peas
And tasty, too
Maybe its just me
But you have to admit
Its funny
On most vegetables I have an opinion but on peas I am positively neutral
Tins of peas
Canned laughter
If only there were a hundred other things like them
The innocent bus-stop actually a source of unceasing mirth
The very mention of pepper pots the harbinger of hilarity
Aah the elevated status of the humble crisp-packet
If only there were a hundred other things like peas
Then the world would be a place of joy
I would always be seeing glee incarnate
Like a songline, but better, the world would be laughed into being
One would only have to keep moving to keep laughing
A ride in a fast automobile might be unbearable
It would be wonderful
If only there were a hundred…
A thousand even
Why not?
Lets be positive and optimistic
Why settle for wonderful when we can have fantabulous?
If only there were a thousand John Majors

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